


The One Time Tsukki Agrees to Leave His Room

by WobblyJelly



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alcohol, Destruction, Drama, Gen, Humor, M/M, college/uni!au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-06
Updated: 2014-10-06
Packaged: 2018-02-20 03:36:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2413508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WobblyJelly/pseuds/WobblyJelly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tsukishima walks into a bar, sees a drunk Hinata, Asahi and Nishinoya making out in a corner while being squashed by 25 cats, and wonders how the hell did he allow himself to get into this mess.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The One Time Tsukki Agrees to Leave His Room

It is nine o'clock on a Saturday night when Tsukishima Kei finds himself getting dragged to the nearby bar by his very enthusiastic boyfriend Yamaguchi.

_"Come on, Tsukki, it's just tonight!" his friend practically begged him, shoving his freckles under his nose. "It'll be a couple hours, a few drinks, you get to insult Kageyama a few times, and then we can leave! I swear!"_

_Tsukishima sighed. "If that's the case, fine...but only tonight."_

It's five minutes past nine o'clock on a Saturday night when Tsukishima Kei takes a step into the nearby bar and immediately regrets his decision.

Supposedly, at two o'clock on a originally very quiet, very uneventful Saturday morning, Nishinoya had suddenly sprung up from bed with a grand idea that "we should all go to the new bar that just opened up nearby! We'll go together- it's been a while since the Karasuno gang has hung out- it'll be totally awesome!" and sent a text to everyone about it, because putting all the Karasuno boys in one place has always been a good idea.

Of course, everyone agreed immediately -how were all of them up at two in the morning Tsukishima will never know- taking it as a break from the heavy load of college homework and back-breaking assignments. And by the time Tsukishima woke up to see the message -which was eight in the morning, because Tsukishima would tell anyone who woke him up in the middle of the night to go away and suck it- he found out that Yamaguchi had already put both of their names in, saying that they'll go.

Now, Tsukishima himself wasn't exactly very hot on revisiting the old crackpot teammates and -dare he call them- "friends", preferring to just stay in his dorm and do his homework or something (play video games until he got bored), but Yamaguchi was adamant on him going, and he had a soft spot for his boyfriend he would rather cut his own fingers off than admit to, but he ended up giving in to his whims and making possibly the worst mistake of his life.

Because when he flung open the door he found the daylights getting smashed out of himself by a brand new bright yellow volleyball.

"Ah- Tsukishima! My bad!"

Hinata Shouyou. He could see this was getting off to a great start _._  He raised a hand to massage the spot where he was hit while his companion fretted with endless "Tsukki!"s beside him. "Why the  _hell_  did you think bringing a volleyball to a  _bar_ was a good idea," he hissed at Hinata.

The orange ball of walking sunlight opened his mouth, probably to say something unintelligent, but someone behind him beat him to it. "You dumbass, you're supposed to hit the ball away from the door, not towards it!"

Of course the King would be here as well. Tsukishima raised his other hand to massage his temple, and Yamaguchi panicked even more at the amount of brain damage Hinata might have caused.

Hinata instantly took an irritated expression and his head snapped towards the back, any apology he owed to Tsukishima forgotten. "Shut up, Kageyama! Like you could have handled that receive-"

" _I_ could have, you idiot! Your arms were too high-"

"I'd like to see  _your_ arms getting too high!"

"Hah, what was that? Come here so I can smash your face with this volleyball!"

"Not if I smash yours first!"

"Hinata! Kageyama!" Tsukishima heard the voice of who he took as his saving grace. Daichi and Sugawara sat at the far left side of the bar, their drinks in hand. They were clad in some white button ups, but Sugawara's cuffs had some cute red and blue to help him stick out of the crowd.

"This is a bar, not a barn! Behave yourselves!" said Daichi in a rather exasperated tone, full father voice taking effect. He frowned disapprovingly at the two younger ones, who were twiddling with their thumbs in their spots.

Sugawara chuckled beside him. "They're in college and they still act like they're fifteen," he said, sounding rather fond of the two walking havocs as if they were his own children.

Tsukishima sighed. Suga turned to grin at him. "Long time no see, Tsukishima."

He replied with a noncommittal grunt. Yamaguchi waved at him.

So far, the only ones who had arrived would be these four. Seeing as the others were probably just getting up from their sleep, he wasn't exactly surprised. These four, however, were already enough to turn the bar inside out, and from the looks of it they were already halfway there.

He really needed a drink.

He pushed past Hinata ("Tsukishima! Have you seen my ball?" "No. Go attract it with your sun powers or something.") and made his way to the counter, Yamaguchi in tow. He turned to the barista to order a drink but stopped halfway, stunned to see who was behind the counter.

"Ah, Tsukishima! Long time no see!" The cheery looking blonde greeted him with a smile. "What can I get for you?"

After a moment Tsukishima shook his surprise away. So it was Yachi. Explains why half the bar is already thrashed. "Anything. Make it strong."

Yachi told him in her chirpy voice that it would be coming right away, and moved to mix the poison that would be the only thing capable of getting him through the night.

Yamaguchi turned to him. "Alcohol already? You never were exactly a big fan."

Just then Nishinoya and Tanaka burst through the door followed by Ennoshita, Kinoshita and Narita. All five were in matching bright green shirts that made everyone else in the room want to cringe. "Alright, let's get this party started!" called out Tanaka, a wide grin on his face. Nishinoya cheered beside him, beer bottle already in hand.

Shimizu made her appearance from behind the counter, Tsukishima's drink in hand, and Tanaka had already knocked down five different tables and chairs to get to the counter.

"Oh, Kiyoko-san!" he cried out dramatically, making a grab for her hand and spilling Tsukishima's drink. "I've had to travel miles and miles to see you, over mountains and rivers and under the sweltering heat and raging storms, but I see your beautiful eyes and dazzling smile, and I can see it's all worth it!" He glances at her with eyes gleaming of pure happiness.

Kiyoko slapped his hand away and it accidentally smacked Ennoshita in the face.

It's twenty minutes past nine when he turns to Yamaguchi, and over the noise, the chatter, the destruction and a panicking Yachi behind the counter at his spilled drink he says to him, "Tonight, I'm going to need it."

 

 

* * *

 

 

Tsukishima wasn't exactly a "night person". Sure, he wasn't a recluse. He knew how to enjoy a good party once in a  _long_ while, but he never claimed to be familiar with the ongoings and adventures of a night out in the wild.

However, he was pretty sure it didn't include a tabletop dancing half-nudist, seven different broken chairs at a failed attempt to play "The floor is lava" and a bunch of cats dressed in red.

The ex-Nekoma volleyball team burst through the door with formidable gusto, wearing their signature red jackets and hungry for a party. Their sneakers squeaked against the floor, further emphasizing their arrival. Tsukishima raised an eyebrow. He didn't know Nekoma was invited.

Tetsurou Kuroo stood out above the rest, his absurd hair sticking out from all places. "So where's the vodka?"

"Tanaka!" Yamamoto cried from the door as he laid eyes on the drunk exhibitionist who was dancing to "Anaconda" on the tabletop with his shirt off and flying. "How dare you defile yourself like that in front of Kiyoko-san!"

"Oh, Yamamoto!" Tanaka nearly slipped off the table while making a grab for the man. "Come on, this is our jam!" He jammed his bottle of beer into Yamamoto's hands while still whipping his shirt in the air, his toned abs glistening with sweat.

The rest of the team chuckled, leaving the two to work it on the tabletop and making their way inside. They greeted everyone cheerily, Kuroo taking a sip of everyone's drinks as he went round and Kenma sending him disapproving looks. They didn't seem any different from their stable, energetic high school-selves. What came after, however, was a little more questionable.

From behind him, no less than twenty-five cats of all different colors and sizes strutted behind them into the bar, glancing precariously at their surroundings. They pawed their way in, pouring into the bar and filling it to the brim with fur and wide eyes. They wasted no time in themselves comfortable, walking around the bar with a royal air worthy of the King and hid themselves in every nook and cranny of the bar that they could find.

Yamaguchi stuck with him, fearing for his life, and Tsukishima wondered why he expected anything different, really.

"Oh, Kageyama! It's a cat! A cat!" Hinata turned and made a mad grab for Kenma, who was walking past him, and yanked him down onto his lap. He stroked his hair, looking content with his new acquired pet, and a very confused looking Kenma laid there with no room for escape.

"Uh, Shouyou-" he started, but Hinata cupped a hand over his mouth.

"Shh, it's okay now little kitty," he said so compassionately it shocked Kenma into silence. "You won't have to face those scary humans anymore."

Tsukishima suppressed the urge to keel with laughter. He pointed out what happened to Yamaguchi though, and they sniggered.

Over the course of the one hour before Nekoma made their appearance, Tsukishima had learnt not to let Hinata be anywhere near any sort of alcoholic beverage whatsoever. That guy was a such a lightweight it was downright embarrassing. He downed five shots of tequila in five minutes, went tabletop dancing with Tanaka (although with his shirt on, thank god) and suddenly blatantly challenged Kageyama to a "the floor is lava" match.

"Loser has to buy the winner a wedding ring!" he declared, although he was drunk off his ass, so it sounded more like " _louser hasth buy winner ding dong ding dong ringgggggg_ ".

And because the King was pretty dumb himself even when he wasn't drunk and couldn't say "no" to Hinata to save his life, they ended up breaking two chairs fifteen minutes into the game and he ended up spilling his sixth shot of tequila on Kageyama's sweater, and the King couldn't even be mad because he was trying to stop Hinata from breaking his third chair, which led them to break four more chairs.

And in the end the hopeless couple just sat in the middle of their defeated war, and Kageyama held Hinata as he was face flat drunk as hell, giggling into Kageyama's stomach, "Hey  _Kageyamaaaaaa_  I wanna get  _maaaaaarried_."

Tsukishima took pictures of Kageyama's red burning face and filed it in his pocket for future use.

He actually feared for the bar's safety a little bit, now that he knew that the cat gang was invited too. He already thought that putting the Karasuno team together in one place would be bad enough for society's mental health, but now that they've added Nekoma he couldn't bring himself to be surprised if they ended up calling in the police by the end of the night. He grudgingly supposed Kuroo would keep them in track- oh wait, Kuroo would probably be the first one to get arrested.

Tsukishima took another long sip of his third drink of the night.

"Oh my god- Yuki, they have a jukebox!" Inuoka nearly wet himself with excitement, from what Tsukishima could hear from his voice. Shibayama walked beside him with his hands in his pockets, smiling sheepishly to an equally shy looking Yamaguchi, and followed his eccentric partner to turn on some shitty music.

"You know him well?" asked Tsukishima offhandedly.

Yamaguchi shrugged. "We talked a few times on campus. Mostly he complains about how much Inuoka's too much like a dog-"

"Hey, if it isn't my favorite boys on the block!" Tsukishima suppressed the urge to groan. He'd seen this coming, honestly. There's no way they'd come to a Karasuno-Nekoma reunion without this guy coming to annoy the heck out of him every fifteen minutes.

Tetsuro Kuroo, in the obstinate mind of Tsukishima, was an utter menace, a walking clusterfuck and someone he wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. However, over the couple of years he's gotten to know him (was forced to put up with his insufferable presence), he learned that he might as well save the ten-foot pole for something more worthwhile.

For example, instead of using it to keep him at bay, he might as well  _shove it straight up his ass._

"What do you want, " he deadpanned, turning to face Yamaguchi indignantly. He placed his empty glass on the counter, and Shimizu immediately took it to refill.

Kuroo pouted. "I'm hurt, Tsukki. We haven't seen nearly enough of each other, and yet this is how you treat me. How 'bout you take some manners classes from your boyfriend over here?"

"Hey!" Yamaguchi bit back. "Tsukki's plenty nice! You don't have to go riling him up-"

"Yamaguchi, drop it," he said tonelessly. Yamaguchi shrank back, like he always did.

Kuroo raised an eyebrow. "I see you're obedient as usual, Yamaguchi," he teased. The boy shrank back even further, a blush flaming his freckles.

"Don't you think you should take care of your own boy toy first?" said Tsukishima, raising his own eyebrow and jabbing his chin at the pile of wooden splinters and spilled beer and Kenma and Kageyama and Hinata.

Kuroo looked back at them, too. "Nah, he's with the shorty. He'll be alright," he said happily, taking hold of Tsukishima's drink (which he hadn't even realized had come back. That bastard) and dragging out his sip from the small glass. When he was done he set it back down on the counter and patted Tsukishima on the shoulder. "Thanks, Tsukki."

He received a very piercing glare in return.

Sugawara then suddenly stumbled over from the other side of the bar, tripping over his own feet and somehow landing himself in Kuroo's arms. He was in a very apparent shrivelled state, with his usually flat hair sticking out from all sides and his face flushed and burning red. "Whoops," he spluttered, trying to balance himself in Kuroo's arms and only ending up tripping again.

Kuroo tried his best to balance him, utterly dumbfounded. Tsukishima and Yamaguchi snickered.

Sugawara giggled _._  He held on to Kuroo's biceps, staggering on his own two feet. "Kuroo-kun," he crooned, his smile droopy and proof of him being utterly wasted. "Thank you for helping me." Tsukishima figured Suga-san was the only person in the entire fucking world who could still be so polite even in his completely drunken state.

Daichi then eased his way through the rowdy crowd, eyebrows creasing when he saw their current predicament. "Suga, there you are," he said exasperatedly. He took Sugawara away from Kuroo's stock still arms and into his own, feeding him with some water from a glass he carried over. "You're going to scare the kids away with you like that."

Sugawara giggled again. "Oh Daichi," he breathed, taking the glass from the man with a shaking hand and spilling half of its contents. "You act like such a  _dad_."

"Yeah well with all these brats here,  _someone's_  gotta take the job," he muttered, trying to help Sugawara hold the cup the right way up before all its contents are fed to the floor.

"Then doesn't that make me the mother?" Sugawara burst out laughing at his statement, which sort of caused him to lose his balance again and actually spill the water before he even took a sip.

Daichi turned a violent shade of red, which Tsukishima found very entertaining because it wasn't often he saw his former-captain lose composure like that. "Suga-" he tried again, trying to take the emptied cup away from him before he could accidentally kill someone with it, but Sugawara just held on to the glass and kept on laughing.

"We're going to be parents, Daichi!" and he said that as if he truly believed it, which only made Daichi even redder than before. This, in Tsukishima's horrible and twisted mind, was turning out to be some kind of married couple squabble, and he felt as if he was walking in on something extremely private.

He whipped out his phone and took plenty of pictures anyway.

Kuroo had stalked off somewhere in the midst of all that (and took Tsukishima's drink with him as well, the asshole) so Tsukishima settled on taking sips of Yamaguchi's drink until Yachi or Kiyoko came back from trying to convince the others to stop breaking anymore furniture (it wasn't working) while trying to ignore Sugawara in all his drunken glory ("Daichi, I won't have a hairy man as my husband!" "For god's sake Koushi-"). He turned his head to the side -where Yamaguchi was standing- and found there wasn't really any escape from the madness, no matter where he turned to.

Alcohol had many different effects on many different people. Tonight, he had come to learn that the Karasuno volleyball team was full of utter  _lightweights._  He was seriously reconsidering his association with this team at this point of his life.

"Hey Chikara," slurred Nishinoya, placing a hand on his shoulder and bringing himself closer to the confused -and slightly scared- other party. "Have I ever told you how pretty your eyes are?"

"Eh- what?" stuttered Ennoshita.

Nishinoya grabbed his chin and brought his face closer to his own. "They're -gorgeous," he murmured, his breath washing all over Ennoshita's face.

Ennoshita squirmed a little, cheeks flushing slightly red. "Noya, you're drunk, you need water or some-"

"Shh." Nishinoya placed a finger on his lips. He had a look that matched a predator, a hunter lost to instinct. His eyes were soft but firm on his prey, and his hands not giving him a chance to run anywhere else. He had Ennoshita held back in a chair and used his knee to nudge his groin area. Ennoshita let out a small "eep".

 _Oh_ , Tsukishima mused, sending a pointed look to Yamaguchi, who was once again cowering in fear.  _Noya's a sexual predator drunk._

"Oi, Noya, get off the poor man! What the hell are you doing?" Yaku came over and started to pry him off a very grateful looking Ennoshita, who looked about ready to crap his pants and was sweating enough to cure the African drought.

Nishinoya didn't fight him, instead leaning into his touch and let the man willingly remove him from the other party. He took two steps back and "stumbled" into Yaku's unsuspecting arms. Yaku yelped.

"Whoa, Noya, easy there-" he started while trying to help him up. What he didn't expect was for Nishinoya to step on his foot, which caused him to lose whatever balanced he had and fall flat on his ass onto the ground with a resounding  _thump_. They ended up on the ground in a heap of tangled limbs and aching body parts.

In no more than an instant, he turned around and pinned Yaku to the ground, both hands on the other's shoulders and his legs trapping the other's in between. His hazel eyes pierced into Yaku and he suddenly felt as if he was naked and very furiously violated.

"Sorry, Yaku-san!" he purred, although he didn't sound very sorry at all. He raised a hand to stroke Yaku's hair in an almost affectionate manner. "That was  _allllllllll_  my fault. I am  _such_ a horrible person. Shouldn't I have to pay for my mistakes? I should be punished for being such a  _bad boy,_ shouldn't I, Yaku-san?"

Yamaguchi's jaw dropped straight to the ground. Tsukishima's glasses flashed. Nishinoya was never living this down. Never.

"What the fuck- get off me, Nishinoya!" growled Yaku, making a move to slap his hand away, but Nishinoya was too fast for him and cupped his hand over his mouth, leaning in so that their foreheads were touching.

"Yaku-san," he slurred, and Yaku was really starting to freak the fuck out. "What would I ever do without you there to save me?"

Just then the door of the bar burst open. A very dishevelled looking Asahi came stumbling in, his hair half undone and his pants wet. He was wearing a plain white shirt with a poorly done blue tie hanging from his collar. "Sorry I'm late!" he called to the bar. "I was held back by one of my lecturers and had to redo part of my assignment-"

Nishinoya jumped off Yaku-san in a flash and pounced onto Asahi, leaving the poor brown-haired boy abandoned and forgotten on the cold hard floor.

"Asahi!" he cried, clawing at his back impatiently.

Asahi turned around in surprise. "Oh, Noya-" he started happily.

Nishinoya pulled him down by his tie and smashed their lips together.

Tsukishima promptly turned away again and settled for staring at his own feet, the only things in the world right now he was sure wouldn't betray him and run off on some drunken escapade.

The background noises of their heavy make out session weren't doing anything to make things better.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Bokuto then gallantly declares his wishes to crash the party through the front door, and Tsukishima knows that this party is going straight to hell.

"I am upset," he complained loudly to a very sympathetic looking Kuroo. "That none of you thought to invite me to this party. None of you!" he sniffed. "And I thought we were friends!"

Kuroo patted his shoulder. "Ah come now Koutaro, you're here already anyway, so just enjoy the fun!" he cheered, offering him his drink (or Tsukishima's drink, more like). Bokuto gladly accepted it and downed the whole glass in one go.

Akaashi appeared from behind him nonchalantly, in a plain red shirt and jeans while wearing a purple fedora. Tsukishima raised an eyebrow at him. "Never took you to be the one for parties," he said.

Akaashi shrugged. "Someone has to be here to keep this brat in line." He jabbed a finger at Bokuto.

Bokuto turned and, upon seeing a very disgruntled looking Tsukishima, lit up like a kid on Christmas day. "Tsukki!" he exclaimed happily, slapping him on the back a lot harder than necessary. "Didn't know you'd be coming, or I'd have brought  _my_ earphones! We'd match!"

"Please, no," he groaned, fiddling with his own classic green headphones that were slung around his neck, which matched the yellow jumper and black jeans that he had picked out for the evening. Bokuto himself was dressed in his classic beige owl printed tee, with black jeans and a black jacket to match.

Bokuto grinned at him and slapped him on the back again. Tsukishima was sure there wasn't any way he wasn't coming out of this without a bruise. "Aw, lighten up Tsukki!" he exclaimed, thrusting his drink into the air. "It's party night!"

 _Don't make it sound like that's a good thing_ , he thought, irritated, but wisely kept silent.

Kuroo grinned at Bokuto's excitement, slinging an arm around the other's shoulders. Bokuto turned to grin right back at him. "Looks like you guys got this party started right!" he said, glancing around all the wasted figures and the half-destroyed bar. His grin suddenly turned extremely dangerous and mischievous. "I know how to make this party  _even better_."

And from his big leather bag that Tsukishima hadn't even realized he brought (his size was enough to block the sight of the bag, really), he whipped out two humongous plastic water guns, smirking slyly at Kuroo who looked absolutely ecstatic.

Akaashi and Tsukishima shared a look.  _Oh no._

"Quick, where do they keep the beer?"

"Koutaro-"

"They have a bottle of whisky on display! Go get it, cat minion!"

" _Cat minion?_ "

"Oh my god you have cat minions- way to go, Kuroo!"

One of the cats crawled from behind the counter and nudged a nearby barrel.

"There! A whole barrel full of beer!"

"You are fucking awesome!"

The two unstoppable boys started filling their water guns up with beer and Tsukishima felt the need to get away. Now.

He grabbed onto Yamaguchi's shoulder. "Let's go."

Yamaguchi nodded, no explanation needed.

But Kuroo grabbed onto Tsukishima's elbow in a haste before they could even begin to take the first step out of that impending destruction. He had tripped over his own feet and fallen to the ground, but no way in hell was he letting go of that shoulder. "Oh Tsukki," he crooned slyly, slithering in closer to the repulsed looking blonde, staring at him from below. "You don't think you can get away from this, do you?"

Tsukishima tried to shake his hand off, glaring at him. "I'm not in the mood-"

And then beer hit him squarely on the face.

The rest of the room remained ignorant to what had just transpired in their little corner of the room, but to Tsukishima everything else had faded into the background. His vein popped. His ears rang. His head screamed for bloody murder.

Yamaguchi shrank further back in his position.

Bokuto, blissfully unaware of Tsukishima's murderous intent, howled with laughter. "I got you good, Tsukki!" he wiped tears away from his eyes, reloading his gun with a fresh bout of beer.

Tsukishima took his hand away from Yamaguchi's shoulder and, in a very slow dramatic manner, wiped whatever beer he could from his face and flung it onto the ground. He knelt on the ground so that he was at eye level with Kuroo and pried the water gun from his hands. He examined it casually and asked, "Mind if I borrow this?"

He got up without waiting for an answer, his water gun lock and loaded, and aimed at Bokuto's hair.

And fired.

The scream of pure anguish that came later was music to his ears.

"My  _hair_!" wailed Bokuto, running his fingers through his hair frivolously in an attempt to fling off all the beer trapped in it. He dropped his gun to the ground and used both of his hands to try to save his raven locks, wild and panicking.

Kuroo smirked at Tsukishima. "Good one, Tsukki," he commented, taking the fallen water gun and nonchalantly shooting at Bokuto's hair as well. Then came another cry of despair.

"No! What are you two doing to me! You're going to kill me!" he yelled at them, flinging the beer in his hair at them. "Look at what you've done to me!  _Look at it_! I will never be the same again!"

"Uh oh- quick, Tsukki, we've got to reload and hide before the drama queen comes after us." With that, Kuroo ducks behind the counter, grabbing a bottle of rum from the display cupboard. Tsukishima takes his eyes off a deranged Bokuto and glances at the gun in his hands, and drops it like it burned him.

Suddenly, Bokuto's eyes flashed dangerously, and Tsukishima realized discarding the gun was probably a bad idea.

Bokuto flung himself forward and tried to get the gun, but Yamaguchi bent down and took it from right under his nose. He grabbed onto Tsukishima's arm. "Tsukki, we have to go!" he pressed, and the other wasn't really in any other position to argue.

They ran to the other side of the bar, jumping over the broken splinters and the many crumpled bodies on the floor.  _"You will pay for this!"_  screeched Bokuto from the other side.

Akaashi looked from the hidden Kuroo behind the counter, to the eloping duo running to safety on the other side, to the madmen whose hair glistened with precious beer, and regrets coming as much as Tsukishima does.

 

 

* * *

 

 

"Woi, Yamamoto."

"Eh, whadayawan?"

"I wannaknow whadahell is wrong with your hair."

"Ha-ah? What's wrong with  _my_ hair? What's wrong with  _your_ hair?"

"Whadayamean what's wrong with my hair?"

"I-it's not even there!"

"My hair is perfect! Your hair is  _weeeeeeird_!"

"Shaddup! You wanna go?"

"I'll protect my hair's honor with my life!"

" _You don't even have hair!_ "

Tanaka grabbed onto a fistful of Yamamoto's shirt and kneed him in the stomach.

" _That's_  how your hair feels like, Mr You-Don't-Even-Have-Hair!" he gloated gleefully, watching Yamamoto stumble a few steps back.

Yamamoto, face red enough to match Hinata's hair and movements resembling a gorilla that had just been awaken from its slumber, growled deep in his chest and pounced onto Tanaka.

"Guys, don't break any more furniture!" called Yachi exasperatedly from behind the counter, having given up long ago from trying to pry the boys away from each other. Shimizu silently worked on mixing her beverages, not even bothering to spare them a glance.

Yamamoto punched Tanaka in the jaw, causing him to lose balance and fall on top of Sugawara, who was currenly lying on the floor in a fit of giggles as Daichi tried frantically to nurse him back to sanity.

Sugawara yelped, although there was no bite to his voice. "Ow! Get off me, Tanaka. You're  _heeeeeeeeavy_ ," he said, giggling.

Tanaka, although not registering his upperclassman's words, wasted no time in getting up and socking Yamamoto right in the stomach. The both of them tumbled down onto the floor and pushed a table right into a wall, the force of their fight nearly smashing it to bits.

It's two in the morning when the bar is an utter mess.

There were more broken furniture by this point. Shimizu and Yachi had simply taken to salvaging all the unbroken furniture and putting them in the storeroom before anyone else could do them any more harm. The broken bits and pieces were lying all over the bar along with many spilled drinks and forgotten shirts (many of them enjoyed being naked while drunk, Tsukishima discovered). The cats weren't being much of a help, either, simply worming their way around the many bodies and limbs, sometimes mewing at one of them for food.

Tsukishima himself and Yamaguchi were hiding in a dark corner of the bar. Bokuto had given up on them and had gone for Kuroo instead, who was evidently nearer and a lot more gullible (but also a lot more sneaky than people gave him credit for and enjoying this a lot more). Sometimes their rapid shots of different drinks (varying from rum to sake to orange juice) would hit other innocent bystanders, who would yell at them in their incoherent drunken state before slacking off to do whatever they were doing before (dancing, making out, sleeping).

Hinata and Kageyama laid down in a heap of tangled limbs and drunken heat in front of them. Hinata, who had let go of Kenma not too long ago, suddenly jumped from his position on the ground. "Kageyama, we should play volleyball!" he announced, looking as if he was not drunk at all and he had just thought of the best idea in the world.

Kageyama slowly turned his head to look at him, obviously having given in to the alcohol as well. As Hinata's words slowly registered in his sluggish brain, he got up, staggering slightly on his feet. He turned his head to look around him. "Dumbass, where's the volleyball?" he said, the usual grumpy tone in his voice.

Hinata frowned. "I thought you had it!"

"I gave it back to you, idiot."

"You did not! If you did, then where is it?"

"How would I know? You had it!"

"But I don't have it!"

"That's why you're an idiot, idiot!"

"Ugh- it's fine! We can use this instead!" and very suddenly, Hinata stepped over to where Tsukishima and Yamaguchi were hiding, grabbed Yamaguchi's arm and yanked him back to where Kageyama was. "See," he said happily. "No trouble."

Tsukishima stared. What the fuck.

Yamaguchi squirmed and tried to pry Hinata's iron grip off him to no avail. Tsukishima glared holes to the back of Hinata's head, but the latter remained blissfully unaware.

Kageyama mused at the sight, and while Tsukishima knew the two were -as Kageyama has stated before- idiots, he never thought they would be  _this_ stupid. Were they really considering using a fully grown human being as a replacement for a small, inflatable,  _inanimate_ object-

Hinata grabbed onto Yamaguchi's armpits. "I'm going to throw you now, okay?" he said as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

_Oh fucking hell no._

"Hinata," growled Tsukishima, stepping forward for the first time this entire night, ready to save his helpless boyfriend who looked right about ready to pee himself into submission, but was suddenly stopped by a booming voice.

" _EVERYONE, PUT DOWN YOUR DRINKS OF SIN AND FACE THE LIGHT._ "

Everything came to a standstill.

Asahi stepped into the fray, a large white cloth draped over his body. He let his hair down which was soaked with sweat, some of it sticking to his face. He held a glass of margaritas in one hand and held out the other towards the crowd, his usually soft face now bold and firm. " _Come, my lambs,_ " he bellowed, holding up his glass on the same level as his other hand. " _We must commit sins no longer._ "

All eyes were on him. Asahi, who usually shied away from too much attention, who usually cowered in fear at the piercing eyes of drunkards and kept to his own quiet side of the bar, now relished in the "oohs" and "aahs" that he was receiving. Everyone had stopped midway with their night activities and gave Asahi their one hundred percent attention, staring up at the cloaked man in wonder and awe.

"T-that is a god!" cried out Inuoka. "No, that is Jesus!"

"My boyfriend is Jesus!" said Nishinoya happily, waving at Asahi casually from behind the crowd. He turned to the person closest to him -who was Kenma- and said in a very relaxed and unconcerned tone, "Hey, I get to have sex with Jesus!"

Kenma blanched out and chose to remain that way.

" _Fools!_ " thundered Asahi once again, and the bar fell silent. " _I am no god nor no idol of Christianity. I am a new being, a self-born man! I rose from the ashes and set to claim my throne, and I will now bathe you all in the sweat and tears of my endless struggles!_ "

He then proceeded to throw the contents of his cup at the crowd.

" _The cleansing ritual has been completed!_ " he announced. " _We will now come to build our own home. Our own dynasty. Our own religion. We shall name this religion- Volleyball!_ "

And the crowd went wild.

They cheered and rejoiced and high-fived each other and hugged each other as if having come out alive from a valiantly fought war. The cries of joy and euphoria rose into the air as everyone took the glasses in their hands and thrust it into the air, making the room rain with alcohol.

" _And I shall be your king, your leader!_ " boomed Asahi from his self-made non-existent pedestal, raising his empty glass in the air. Everyone below his gasped at his glory and beauty, and raised their glasses in the air as well, not because of glee and happiness, but because of honor and respect.

Tsukishima stuffed his hands in his pockets, turned right on his heels and walked straight to the door.  _Fuck this, I'm going home._

He ignored his boyfriend's cries of "Wait, Tsukki-" because honestly, he's had enough. He'd stayed longer than he expected to, honestly. A  _lot_ longer. He had to put up with a volleyball to the face and all these drunken mongrels, with broken chairs and shattered glass, with demons cats pawing at his feet and Bokuto spraying beer into his face (although he did manage to get him back for it, and it gave him an indescribable satisfaction that he wouldn't give up for anything). But now he was sure everyone was so drunk off their asses and he did not want to be part of this miscalculated equation any longer-

The door burst open in his face and out popped Lev, holding a gigantic strawberry cake with chocolate sprinkles on top. "So..." he said uncertainly. "I guess I'm late?"

Tsukishima and Lev stood there, staring at each other for a good five seconds before Bokuto rested an arm on one shoulder and Kuroo on the other. "Happy Birthday, you punk," said Bokuto, grinning.

The whole bar immediately broke out into song. Granted, they were all drunk, so it sounded like a bad choir in one of the Karasuno's karaoke sessions, but they all sang the same thing and it wasn't lost on Tsukishima's ears. "Happy Birthday, Tsukki!"

He stared blankly at Lev, then at the cake, then back at Lev, who shot him a bright smile. "It was all Tadashi's idea!" he said happily, and from the other side of the bar Yamaguchi turned into a bright scarlet. "We've been planning it for weeks! Buying enough shortcakes to feed the entire zoo was too much cash, though, so I just bought this gigantic strawberry cake instead! You like it, Tsukishima?"

Tsukishima was truly at a lost for what to say.

Hinata and Nishinoya were trying to drag a very flustered Yamaguchi over. "Come on, don't be the shy kid now! Be a man and strut your stuff," yelled Nishinoya, pulling at Yamaguchi's arm.

Slowly but surely Yamaguchi came closer and closer to Tsukishima, until they were standing side by side, staring at the cake together. Yamaguchi was still blushing till his roots, and blatantly refused to look Tsukishima in the eye.

Tsukishima turned to his boyfriend with a raised eyebrow. "So this was all your idea?" he enquired.

Yamaguchi stared down at his twitching feet, and gave him a small nod.

"Kiss him, Tsukishima!" someone screeched from the back, but Tsukishima didn't really need anyone else to tell him as he shrugged the two annoyances from his shoulders, bent down, held Yamaguchi's chin up with one of his hands and brought their lips together.

It was only for a fraction of a second, but the entire room lit up with mating calls and wolf whistles. When they broke apart, Tsukishima's cheeks were also tinged with the slightest of pink, but he ignored the suggestive smirks of Kuroo and the howls of laughter from Bokuto, and turned to the cake.

All in all, he mused, as he made to blow the candles and hear the crowd cheer, while he did spend half of the time contemplating cutting ties with this band of monkeys and the other half thinking of ways to escape from the tyranny, the evening wasn't all bad. Perhaps, somewhere deep,  _deep_ within his heart, he had secretly missed the daily riot, the walking havocs and the endless banter. Perhaps he did secretly like having his life turned upside down once in a while-

Bokuto and Kuroo crept up from behind him and simultaneously smashed his face into the cake, rubbing in the cream and icing right into his skin, crying with laughter.

Tsukishima takes all that back. He never wanted to lay eyes on these people  _ever again._

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to see them thrash a bar.
> 
> This was originally written for Tsukishima's birthday, but exams and life got in the way and I finished this a lot later than I wanted to.
> 
> Ah well, Happy Belated Birthday Tsukki, you big baby!
> 
> Kind of afraid they'll come off as OOC. Granted, they're all drunk, so they probably are in some sense... but if you guys have any opinions to offer, please leave it down below! Criticism is welcomed. Hell, it's demanded, so I can work on improving.
> 
> Also, I didn't mean to offend any Christians out there with the whole Jesus!Asahi thing. It's all meant as a joke and not to be taken seriously! Sorry in advance.


End file.
